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Psychoanalyst Gerald Schonewulf is sure that parents who raise their children correctly have a lot in common. What qualities unite them and distinguish them from others?
I have two news for you. I’ll start with the bad: The qualities of a good parent can’t be bought in a store, or acquired by reading a book or a blog post. The good news is that they can be developed through hard work on yourself or with a therapist. What makes good parents?
1. Empathy
The ability to empathize is an important quality of a good parent. Such adults are able to put themselves in the place of a child, understand his deepest experiences, including reading body language. This allows them to calmly endure children’s tantrums, they have enough patience not to break down on the child.
2. Close bond with children
The close bond children have with their father and mother is important. In the experiments of the American psychologist Harry Harlow, monkeys that were deprived of contact with their mothers as children acquired psychopathic traits as they grew older. In order for a child to be able to build close relationships in the future, it is important that the first attachment in his life is formed correctly. Parents who are themselves incapable of attachment (for example, due to depression) will not be able to give the child this experience, which is important for healthy development.
3. Attention
If the parents are always happy to see the child, he believes that he is worthy of the attention of others, including friends and teachers, as a result he develops a healthy self-esteem. If parents cannot give enough attention to their children, then, as adults, they will constantly crave the attention of others and consider themselves unworthy of it.
4. Respect
A child learns to respect himself only if adults treat him with respect: they don’t order, they don’t lecture, but they guide, helping to figure everything out on their own. As an adult, such a person will command the respect of friends and colleagues.
5. Love
If parents were loved in childhood, they will be able to surround their children with love, creating a comfortable and safe space for them in an insecure world. Having matured, they will evoke sympathy from others — partners, friends, colleagues.
6. Discipline
Disciplined parents can be a worthy example for children. In upbringing, such adults show the necessary firmness, but not excessive severity, and teach children to properly manage their lives, cope with emotions and understand how to respond to strangers. In some situations, the punishment of children is justified, but the parents punish calmly and lovingly, without irritation or excessive cruelty.
7. Solidarity
The key to a healthy relationship with a child is a healthy relationship between parents. If there is no agreement between them in matters of education, problems cannot be avoided. If the father believes that children should be punished, and the mother thinks that they should be pampered, the children will grow up knowing how to manipulate others and not realizing what real unity and solidarity are.
8. Honesty
The worst thing a parent can do is to say one thing to a child and demonstrate the opposite by their own example. For example, a father forbids his son to yell at his younger brother, while he himself yells at his wife.
It is important that parents be honest with themselves, with each other, and with their children. If you promised something to a child, the word must be kept. Otherwise, there is a great risk that the child will grow up distrustful and dishonest.
9. Ability to enjoy
Good parents know how to have fun and enjoy life. Playing with children or enjoying watching them play, they help children understand the importance of enjoying life.
10. Moral qualities
One of the important tasks of parents is the socialization of children. It is necessary to teach the child to be merciful and to treat others with respect. Such parents do not have a rigid system of principles; they consider each situation separately. They teach children not to follow the crowd, but to listen to the voice of their own conscience.
About the Author: Gerald Schonewulf is a psychoanalyst and author of several books.