From childhood, we are taught that we need to address our elders with “you”: friends of our parents, a saleswoman in a store, a stranger on a bus. Why does this rule only work in one direction? Maybe adults should use a more respectful style of communication with children?
It seems that there is nothing surprising in asking an eight-year-old boy standing in line: “Are you the last one?”. Or prompt a small passer-by: “Your cap has fallen!”. But is it right? Indeed, most often we see these children for the first time and we definitely cannot call our relationship friendly. To adults in such situations, we don’t even think to turn to “you” — this is impolite.
The boy Arthur also spoke on this subject, whose reasoning his mother recorded on video and published the other day on Instagram: (an extremist organization banned in Russia) “Why do they (probably cashiers in a fast food cafe) address me as “you”. Am I your friend? Am I your son? Who am I to you? Why not «you»? Indeed, why do adults think that less mature people can be addressed as “you”? This is a humiliation…”
During the day, the video gained more than 25 thousand views and divided the commentators into two camps. Some agreed with Arthur’s opinion, noting that it is necessary to address «you» to everyone, regardless of the person’s age: «Well done, since childhood he respects himself!»
But most adults were outraged by his words. Someone referred to the rules of speech etiquette: “It is accepted that up to 12 years old children are addressed with “you”. Another user pointed out that it is not possible for children to «poop out». Apparently, by force of habit and tradition. Or maybe because they, in his opinion, have not yet deserved it: “Actually,“ you ”is an appeal to adults and a tribute.”
There were also those who generally consider the child’s thoughts on such a topic to be harmful: “Then, in old age, a mother from a literate person will receive smart, reasonable answers and, of course, zero respect. Because they know too much about their rights.”
So how should children be treated? Is there a correct answer to this question?
According to Anna Utkina, a child and adolescent psychologist, we can easily find it if we abstract from cultural characteristics, the rules of etiquette and pedagogy and simply reason logically: children. And then ask how they are more comfortable communicating.”
The child must feel the situation and the interlocutor
Why is it so important? Is it all the same to a child how they talk to him? It turns out not. “By calling the interlocutor “you”, we keep a certain distance, thereby showing respect for him. Thus, with the child, we maintain a safe distance for him in communication, — explains the expert. — Yes, the appeal to «you» simplifies the establishment of contact with the interlocutor. But we actually pretend to be his friend, arbitrarily take a place in his inner circle. Is he ready for this?»
The psychologist notes that many children love to be treated like adults, and not like kids. Therefore, they are especially pleased that their status is being “raised”. Moreover, in this way we set a fine example for them: every interlocutor must be treated with respect.
“It is more important not to instill in the child certain norms of etiquette, but to teach him to be flexible in his approach to this issue. For example, to recognize situations when you can switch to “you”, and this will not be some kind of terrible misconduct. Often adults like this treatment, — says Anna Utkina. — The child must feel the situation and the interlocutor. And where appropriate, communicate with restraint, at a distance, and somewhere to conduct a conversation more democratically.”