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Although aggression can be not only destructive, but also constructive, most often we are faced with the first, destructive option. Unfortunately, we are not always aware of this. How to understand that we have become hostages of someone else’s anger? And what should we do to avoid becoming aggressors ourselves? The expert speaks.
Nature teaches us to fight for a bigger piece, «devouring» each other, and at the same time society calls to follow the rules. In the end, this conflict splits us: we strive to show only socially acceptable impulses, and we accumulate and hide other emotions — even from ourselves. But everyone knows how the stories of patient people end: either with the destruction of oneself or the destruction of others.
The fact is that sooner or later the accumulated breaks through. If it breaks through, it often takes the form of psychosomatic diseases. Where it is thin, it breaks there: for example, the heart may not be able to withstand it. If the accumulated negative feelings break out, then those who are nearby suffer, and those who cannot respond or defend themselves — usually children and animals.
Lars von Trier did a great job of capturing the nature of human aggression in Dogville. His main character, young Grace, having escaped from a gang of gangsters, finds salvation in a small town. The locals are one more beautiful than the other! ready to hide her. And they don’t want anything in return. Well, except to help around the house or look after the children. But gradually cute Dogville turns into a torture chamber for the girl.
What would happen if a pebble in a shoe didn’t piss us off? We would become a humble victim who accepts the presence of this stone, endures the pain, restricts his movements and, as a result, dies an agonizing death if the stone causes sepsis. How to stay on a thin line, to the left of which is sacrifice, and to the right is aggressiveness?
How to understand that we have become victims of aggression
To determine that destructive aggression is directed at us, it is important to trust the sensations and listen to our own feelings. This is one of the fastest and most reliable ways to navigate the situation. Feelings are an integral part of our being. It is they who give us information about the world around us and determine that something is wrong, that we are in danger. The ability to recognize your own and others’ feelings, as well as manage your emotions, is called emotional intelligence.
You are more likely to experience destructive aggression if you experience these feelings:
Disorientation
You feel lost: you don’t know where to go, you are looking for something aimlessly, you are in a fog. There is no clarity and transparency. You are «turned off» from the life stream, helpless and devastated. You would like to react to other people’s words or actions, but being in a state of stupor, you do not have such an opportunity.
Anxiety
The mere presence of another person takes you out of balance — there is a feeling of anxiety, perhaps even a slight tremor. And also there are two opposite impulses — at the same time you seem to be drawn to a person, but at the same time repelled from him. You understand that, most likely, you made a mistake in assessing the current situation and your role in it.
Tension that turns into discontent
You feel completely unprepared for the fact that a person does not fulfill the promises made to you and your expectations do not come true. Feel how dreams are shattered, and hope is crumbling. Understand that you are letting someone take advantage of you.
What to do if you become a victim?
To get out of this «aggressive circle» will help us trust our feelings, strengthen our own perception of what is happening and the positive experience of cooperation with other people.
Why strengthen your own perception? Many of my clients were unable to fight back against malignant aggression due to a lack of self-confidence. After all, we often devalue our own experiences, thinking: “It seemed to me.” But we need to hear what and how we are told. Hear what we say.
And when we are sure that it didn’t seem to us and that we really are being treated differently than we want, we will have a reason to protect ourselves.
No less important is the experience of positive cooperation. If we have experience in the constructive manifestation of aggression, we can easily determine the line between benign and malignant aggression, we see the difference between them.
Cooperation is a model of interaction where there are no losers and winners, no rulers and servants, where there is no need to rule and obey. Cooperation is built on mutual agreement and joint work. With it, we can:
express your thoughts and hear the other;
see yourself and others;
value yourself and others;
forgive mistakes for yourself and others;
respect your «no» and the other;
know your desires and be interested in the desires of another;
know your own capabilities and learn about the capabilities of others;
strive for growth and offer to grow to another;
value your loneliness and respect the loneliness of another;
act at your own pace and give this opportunity to another;
be yourself and let the other be yourself.
If there is no such experience, it must be obtained. For example, in a relationship with a therapist. In this safe space, the client, by sharing intimate thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, establishes contact with the therapist. And this contact contributes to changes in his life. When there is a place and space in life where we are attentive and kind, we find the strength to get out of the aggressive circle. And we understand that every person is worthy of respect and love.
What to do if you yourself show aggression?
To recognize the aggressor in yourself, you need to have high self-awareness. During my psychotherapeutic practice (and I have been working for more than 12 years), there was not a single request to work with my own aggression. No one has come to learn how to subdue their ardor.
Most often, a person comes with complaints like “something is wrong with another person or with this world”, and already in the process it turns out that he himself is the source of aggression. It is unpleasant to admit, but recognition is the most important and surest step in this situation.
Healing comes when a person, even for a moment, gives up who he would like to become, and tries to be who he is. To recognize oneself as an aggressor, to start apologizing means to deprive oneself of a “dose” of emotions that helps relieve nervous tension. Such recognition requires great courage and deserves a gold medal!
You need to study the nature of your aggression and understand that outbursts of anger do not solve the problem.
The relaxation that comes after an act of aggression gives us nothing but a bitter aftertaste, and a feeling of deep self-doubt and helplessness still continues to live inside.
Anger is born from internal tension, which from time to time explodes and hurts others. Instead of focusing on the sources of annoyance, you should think about possible solutions to the problem. First, take responsibility for your actions. And direct your tension to activities: entrepreneurship, sports, creativity, recreation.
Dealing with your aggression alone is not easy, and staying in the circle of anger is dangerous. You need to seek help from a specialist who will calmly and competently lead you from an aggressive circle to a circle of attentive, caring and supportive attitude towards yourself. If the mine of aggression explodes, then you will definitely not be alone in picking yourself up piece by piece.