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The main mistakes of parents in raising children – psychologist Larisa Surkova
All moms and dads dream of their children to be successful and happy. But where, then, do embittered and notorious people come from? Everything is obvious: parents themselves break their child. Larisa Surkova, a psychologist and mother of many children, composed four scenarios for healthy-food-near-me.com. By following them, you are guaranteed to cripple your child.
It is difficult to imagine that parents would consciously want to ruin their child’s life. No, they want the best. But because of their own excessive anxiety, the desire for overprotection, hypercontrol, sometimes careless phrases are thrown. And we ourselves forget about them in a second. And in a child’s subconscious, they can get stuck for a very long time – to put down roots and give such fruits that then a psychologist will have to deal with these “apples”.
Remember, in childhood we were told: do not go there, there is a babayka sitting there? It would seem a harmless phrase – no one even knows what this fictional creature looks like. Toddlers of one and a half to two years do not even understand the meaning of a strange word, so they begin to personify it with their own fears. And then the parents wonder why their child suddenly became afraid of darkness and silence, or, conversely, jumps up from different sounds.
Another completely stupid scarecrow that many moms and dads still sin with: if you don’t eat / dress warmly / behave well, a doctor will come and give you an injection. Do you think the child will immediately start eating for two? No matter how it is! But he will remember your words. And he can be dragged to the hospital only in an unconscious state – when he can no longer resist and an ambulance will bring him.
Recently spoke with a 39-year-old woman with stage 4 breast cancer, she is between life and death. For a whole year she could not bring herself to go to the doctors, because she was very afraid of them. All her childhood grandmothers intimidated her that the doctor would come and give the girl injections. Now, at the sight of white coats, it sends in her mouth, it is difficult for her to speak, and even more so to be treated.
The situation in the playground.
“Your son pushed my daughter!” – says one woman to another. Apologizing, the embarrassed mother immediately hurries to scold her offspring.
“Seryozha, come here! What is it, why do you offend girls ?! “
“Yes, she hit me first!”
“How many times have I told you – you can’t touch the girls! Come home quickly! “
Sometimes adults pounce on delinquent children without even trying to understand the situation. And the child may have his own truth. And by closing your eyes to her, you break trust between you. Most often, we are too lazy to talk to the child, to analyze his actions. In the minds of many, there are dry attitudes that it is impossible to fight and call names. Why? What’s the difference – no point! But if the child is behaving aggressively, there are probably reasons for this.
I was approached by the parents of a 4-year-old boy who suddenly stopped talking. It turned out that he had problems in kindergarten: the teacher complained that Vasya, let’s call him that, was behaving badly. Mom and Dad believed the teacher and constantly punished the child. Later it turned out that the teacher’s own child went to the same group, who did not like Vasya. But no one listened to the boy and did not want to understand that he felt bad in the kindergarten, that the teacher was oppressing him. The child’s psyche was restored for a whole year. Everything worked out, but for this, the parents also had to work on themselves, become softer and more attentive.
3. Terrorizing with estimates
Many parents still draw parallels between a child’s bright future and his school performance. One friend of mine quit her job to teach lessons with her son. Now her 9-year-old boy bends his back at his desk from lunch until late at night instead of rushing around the yard with his peers. And she has an ironclad argument for that:
“He doesn’t try alone – he’ll do something for an hour and run to his friends. Previously, he had a C in math, but now he is an A! We have an elite lyceum, there are a lot of gifted children in the class – you have to correspond. And for poor progress they can be kicked out … “
Each of us has heard about the excellent student’s syndrome, but not everyone understands how serious this problem is.
Children are often punished for poor grades, although the 5-point system is imperfect and subjective. What happens? Received 5 – they love you, received 2 – everyone is sad, and they gave me a slap on the head. A neurosis is formed, the child strives to be the first always and everywhere, otherwise they will not love. He brings this attitude into adulthood. But being the best everywhere – at work, at home, in sports, is by definition impossible. And the person struggles. Then you have to go to a psychotherapist and take medications. The worst scenario is when a person feels so unsuccessful that he is so sure that no one loves him that he can commit suicide.
Life became scary. Turn on the news – terrorist attacks, murders, violence. After listening to the media, I want to go to the store for stew and close in an underground bunker.
“Do not walk in the wasteland, the maniac will take it away, cut it into pieces and throw it into the river!” – said my teacher OBZH in high school. “Be careful on the escalator, otherwise the tape will suck you in!” – teaches the father of his 5-year-old son, going down to the subway. And right there on the platform, the grandmother scares her granddaughter: “Don’t go beyond the line, you will fall on the rails, the train will cut off your legs!” The tips are correct, but for some reason they give goosebumps. It is not surprising that today there are so many cases of panic attacks that all of a sudden occur in crowded places.
“It happened to me in the subway,” Alena writes on the psychological forum. – Numbness, my heart is pounding, a lump in my throat … Five minutes later it was released, but the fear of taking the subway remained and periodically makes itself felt ”
Panic attacks are a defense mechanism in our psyche. This is the reaction of the muscles to the adrenaline you have received – for example, the sensation of a lump in your throat. Under the influence of stress hormones, the mouth dries out and becomes difficult to breathe. Panic attacks have become a lot due to the huge information flow. We are drowning in the details of someone else’s life and someone else’s grief. Once “the glass is overfilled,” and the slightest stress the psyche gives out such a reaction. Remember that adults are the guarantor of the peace and safety of the child.
And there is also a separate category of mothers – the critic mother. Whatever the child does, there is always a reason for reproach: he could have done more, higher, faster, cooler. This line of behavior is usually chosen by those mothers who themselves could not grow out of their childhood with demanding and not too happy parents. Now these women are constantly proving to themselves and to their parents (even if they are no longer alive) that they are worth something. Why this happens, why do mothers do it and what it is fraught with for their baby, you can read the link.