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A strong person knows how to defend his boundaries and the right to remain himself in any situation, and is also ready to accept things as they are and see their true value, says existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova. How can you help yourself be resilient?
Natalia, 37, shared her personal story: “I am a responsive and reliable person. It seems to be a good trait, but responsiveness often turns against me. Someone puts pressure or asks for something — and I immediately agree, even to my own detriment.
Recently it was my son’s birthday. We were going to celebrate it in the cafe in the evening. But closer to 18 pm, when I was about to turn off the computer, the boss asked me to stay and make some changes to the financial report. And I couldn’t refuse him. I wrote to my husband that I would be late and asked to start without me. The holiday was ruined. And before the child I felt guilty, and from the boss there was no gratitude … I hate myself for my softness. How I wish I could be stronger!”
«Fear arises where there is ambiguity and fog»
Svetlana Krivtsova, existential psychologist
This problem, of course, has a solution, and more than one. The fact is that the essence of the problem has not yet been identified. Why couldn’t Natalya say «no» to her boss? There are many reasons, sometimes external circumstances are such that a person with a strong «I» just thinks that it is better to do the same as Natalya. However, it makes sense to consider the internal «circumstances», to understand why they are the way they are, and to find a solution for each of them.
So, why do we need to strengthen our «I» and how to do it?
1. To find a way to be heard
Context
You have a position. You know for sure that you have the right to celebrate your child’s birthday with your loved ones. Moreover, the working day is already over. And you perceive the sudden request of the boss as a violation of your boundaries. You would willingly object to the boss, but the words get stuck in your throat. You don’t know how to talk to others to be heard.
Probably, your objections in the past were rarely taken seriously by anyone. And when you defended something, as a rule, it got worse. Your task in this case is to find ways that will help you to be heard.
An exercise
Try the following technique. Its essence is to calmly and clearly, without raising your voice, pronounce what you want to convey several times. Formulate a short and clear message without the “not” particle. And then, when you listen to counterarguments, agree and repeat your main message again, and — this is important! — repeat using the particle «And», not «but».
For example:
- Foreword: “Ivan Ivanovich, today is March 5, this is a special day, my son’s birthday. And we plan to celebrate it. He is waiting for me from work on time.”
- Central message: «Please let me leave work for home at six o’clock.»
If Ivan Ivanovich is a normal person, this one time will be enough. But if he is overwhelmed with anxiety because he has received scolding from a higher authority, he may be indignant: “But who will do this for you? All deficiencies must be corrected immediately.» Answer: Yes, you are probably right. The flaws need to be corrected. And please let me leave today at six o’clock», «Yes, this is my report, I am responsible for it. And please let me leave today at six o’clock.»
After a maximum of 4 conversation cycles, in which you agree with the leader and add your own condition, they begin to hear you differently.
In fact, this is the task of the leader — to seek compromises and try to combine mutually exclusive tasks. Not yours, otherwise you would be the leader, not him.
By the way, this is one of the virtues of a person with a strong «I»: the ability to take into account different arguments and find a solution that would suit everyone. We cannot influence another person, but we are able to find an approach to him and insist on our own.
2. To protect yourself
Context
You do not internally feel confident, you can easily be made guilty and deprived of the right to insist on your own. In this case, it is worth asking yourself the question: “How could it be that I have no right to protect what I love?” And here you have to remember the history of relationships with adults who raised you.
Most likely, in your family, little thought was given to the feelings of the child. As if they were squeezing the child out of the center and pushing it into the far corner, leaving only one right: to do something for others.
This does not mean that the child was not loved — they could love. But there was no time to think about his feelings, and there was no need. And now, a grown-up child has formed such a picture of the world in which he feels good and confident only in the role of a convenient “helper”.
Do you like it? If not, tell me, who is now responsible for expanding the space of your «I»? And what is this space?
An exercise
It can be done in writing, but even better — in the form of a drawing or collage. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into two parts. In the left column, write: Habitual Me/Legitimate Me.
And next — «Secret» I «/Underground» I «». Fill in these sections — draw or describe the values and desires that you are entitled to (here the feelings of an obedient child seeking approval predominate — left column) and which for some reason you are not entitled to (here quite fair considerations of an adult — right column).
The adult self knows that it has the right not to work overtime, but … it is so easy to return to the state of an obedient child. Ask yourself: “Am I noticing this ‘childishness’? Do I understand my irrational feelings and impulses? Is it enough to prohibit the fact that in my childhood no one noticed, confirmed or gave them permission?
And finally, ask yourself one more question: “Who am I waiting for this permission from now, when I have already grown up? Who will be that person who says, «Can you afford it?» It is quite obvious that an adult, mature person is such a “permit” and judge for himself.
It is difficult to follow the path of growing up, it is dangerous, like on thin ice. But this is a good experience, some steps have been taken, we need to practice further in this work. The essence of the work is the integration of desires and fears. When choosing what you really want, do not forget about your feelings. Own «childish» desire to be approved and accepted, on one side of the scale, the waiting eyes of the child — love for him — on the other. It’s worth starting with what touches you the most.
The concept of small steps helps a lot — to start with what is exactly mine and what is realistic to accomplish. So you train this integrative muscle day after day. Small steps mean a lot for becoming a strong «I». They take you from the role of a victim to the role of a person who has a project, a goal to which he is moving.
3. To face your fear and clarify reality
Context
You are very afraid to say «no» and lose stability. You value this job and your place too much, you feel so insecure that you can’t even think about refusing your boss. Talk about your rights? This question doesn’t even arise. In this case (assuming you’re really tired of being afraid), there’s only one solution: to face your fear bravely. How to do it?
An exercise
1. Answer yourself: what are you afraid of? Perhaps the answer will be: “I’m afraid that the boss will get angry and force me to leave. I’ll be out of a job, out of money.»
2. Trying not to slip your thoughts from this frightening image, clearly imagine: what will happen in your life then? «I’m out of a job» — how will it be? How many months will you have enough money for? What will be the consequences? What will change for the worse? What will you feel about it? What will you do then? Answering the questions “What then?”, “And what will happen then?”, you need to move further and further until you reach the very bottom of this abyss of fear.
And when you come to the most terrible and, courageously looking into the eyes of this terrible, ask yourself: “Is there still an opportunity to do something?” Even if the final point is “the end of life”, “I will die”, what will you feel then? You will most likely be very sad. But sadness is no longer fear. So you can overcome fear if you have the courage to think it through and understand where it will lead.
In 90% of cases, moving up this ladder of fear does not lead to any fatal consequences. And even helps to fix something. Fear arises where there is ambiguity and fog. By dispelling fear, you will achieve clarity. A strong «I» is friends with his fear, considers it as a good friend, which indicates the direction for personal growth.