“Stop trying to please men!”

When my daughters were in the 5th grade, I did this training with them: I pretended to be a classmate who intimidates them, and they had to look me straight in the eyes and repeat: “Don’t you dare talk to me like that! Don’t you dare treat me like that! I hate it!» until they could say the words with complete confidence. I was convinced that this was the only solution — teach my girls to protect themselves.

But why is it so difficult for us to utter even a word in our defense? Why is it easier for us to put on a smile and say things like, “Well, don’t…” in a soothing tone that men so often mistake for flirtatiousness?

Women of my generation can say that we were brought up that way. We seem to have tried to raise our daughters differently, and yet the situation has not changed much in our century: as before, men showed sexual aggression, and women fought for the right to stop it. And as before, the criterion for a woman’s success was her attractiveness to a man. Male attention is like a valuable prize, rejecting it, you seem to look rude and quarrelsome.

Now women finally began to refuse to perceive male advances as a reward, and for harassment men may even lose their jobs. It looks like the world has turned upside down. But both of them feel disoriented, because the new rules do not yet exist. Women know that any unsolicited sexual advances are disgusting to them. But they still have to walk through a minefield, because men cannot understand what is allowed and what is not.

We spend a lot of energy looking good, but not too good. We want to become real professionals, but at the same time not seem unapproachable. Meanwhile, men live for themselves and do not blow their mustaches. And who compensates us for the need to live constantly on the alert, forcedly smiling?

These topics were somehow raised by the @MeToo flash mob, and in response to our protests, we received protests in return. Patriarchy stands its ground — because who voluntarily renounces power? But to be honest, a lot of women also share the belief that we are not quite equal to men.

It is amazing that we are ready to see hidden racist prejudices in ourselves, but at the same time we do not see obvious gender biases in ourselves at all. The religious idea of ​​woman’s subordination still reigns supreme on every continent. The most advanced among us don’t hesitate to go to an American football game (the only sport where women are still not allowed) or admire the free-thinking of the new Pope, although he is opposed to women regulating their own births.

And at wedding ceremonies, religious or secular, everyone applauds when the new “Mrs. So-and-so” is introduced to those present. No one is particularly embarrassed that a woman takes her husband’s surname when she gets married.

Of course, today there are other options: for example, I left my last name and gave it to my daughters. But most modern brides accept without hesitation this ritual renunciation of their own identity and take on the name of the husband — the head of the new family, just as slaves once changed their last name when they were bought by a new planter.

I know that many are outraged by such parallels between traditional marriage and slavery. Of course, the marriage contract has now changed: a modern wife can no longer be equated with movable property. And they will tell me that this change of surname is just a tribute to tradition. To this I will answer that I have neighbors who still fly the Confederate flag and also assure that this is just a tribute to the tradition that they are proud of.

In my opinion, a tradition that allows some people to control others does not deserve any honor, even symbolic. Yes, marriage is not slavery, but the willingness to sacrifice one’s surname for the sake of partnership makes one wonder what place a woman has in a marital relationship. We may yearn for gender equality, but we fight little for it and do not set clear boundaries.

Many years ago, as a student, I spent a semester abroad, in a wonderful city with a rich history. And here are the two sentences in English that I most often heard there: “Let’s go have a coffee?” and «Do you want to make love, baby?» Moreover, the second, as a rule, followed immediately after the first.

I lived next to a large park where it would be so nice to walk or study. But it was impossible: every now and then someone tagged along behind you, threatened or demonstrated from the bushes their causal place. And instead of walking, I huddled in my cramped little room.

In the end, I got so fed up with it that I grabbed a sofa cushion, put it under a wide dress, and with such a “belly” went to the park. The effect was magical: no one thought to pester the “pregnant woman”, and until the very end of the semester I walked without any restrictions. Of course, my appearance did not suit me very much, but what can I do: I have seen from my own experience that it is much more important to feel safe than to look attractive.

Women’s magazines assure us that we don’t have to choose one thing, that we can be both independent and seductive at the same time. But flip through glossy pictures — it is obvious that attractiveness is closely related to addiction, it involves the most severe measures to remake ourselves — just to suit male tastes.

We need to find some healthy compromise between these extremes. To begin with, it would be worthwhile to soberly reflect on how important it is to please the world of men as a whole. Of course, not all men look at the woman they like as prey. But those are in the minority. And that’s the whole point of the issue. The world of men does not deserve our promiscuous favors, and the #MeToo movement proves it: it has made it clear that women are under threat. Not sometimes, but all the time.

We don’t have an endless variety of options for gaining the approval of men (yes, in our world this is called «approval»). But we also want to be loved, maybe even too much. It’s loved ones. Be patient a little while we understand everything and can formulate it in the most direct and accessible language. It would seem that it is not so difficult to demand that we be left alone so that we feel safe, wherever we work, wherever we go, whatever clothes we put on. But for the countless women who endure harassment at work, it seems very difficult, and few dare to fight back against the bastards.

The road to freedom is blocked by a variety of derogatory phrases in the spirit of «She thinks too much of herself!». Let’s be clear: no woman wants to live in a «rape culture» (a term describing a culture in which sexual violence against women is common and where prevailing attitudes, social norms and practices normalize, tolerate or even justify it), we all want to put an end to it once and for all. But if we talk randomly or ask, there will be no sense. Nothing will change until the truly powerful aggressors are held accountable for their actions.

Here, natural female softness and the desire to justify the guilty are out of place. None reaction from our side will not be excessive, given the endless humiliation by men, their arguments like “Nothing happened!”, “She liked it herself!”, “She is so good when she is angry!”. We need to give vent to our anger or the women’s community will explode like a pressure cooker one day.

We need to raise our voice and speak in such a tone that no one will think that we are flirting. Let’s stop appeasing men in power. Don’t you dare talk to me like that! Don’t you dare treat me like that! I hate it!