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“My dear, good, guess for yourself” — how often do we pout at a partner, punishing him with silence or childishly expecting him to understand, comfort, apologize and do everything as we want … It is important to understand: this familiar scenario can threaten your relationships.
How resentment destroys us
First, resentment is self-aggression. To be offended means to offend oneself. The energy of dissatisfaction with another person or a situation, directed inward, triggers destructive processes both in the psyche and in the body.
Probably everyone noticed: when we are offended, we physically do not have the strength to do important things. “I was hit like a truck, everything hurts. There is absolutely no resources, no desire to do something. I want to lie down all day,” writes Olga, 42, from Moscow.
“When I get offended, the world around seems to disappear. Don’t want to do anything. Unless you just look at one point, ”says 35-year-old Mikhail from St. Petersburg. “I become helpless and cry a lot. It is very difficult to return to communication and life again,” writes 27-year-old Tatyana from Tula.
The offended person from an adult turns into a small helpless child whom the offender must «save»
Secondly, resentment is the destruction of communication. Two people were talking, and suddenly one of them fell silent and offended. Eye contact is immediately broken. In response to any questions, either silence or monosyllabic answers: “Everything is fine”, “I don’t want to talk”, “You know yourself”.
Everything that was created by two people in the process of communication — trust, intimacy, understanding — is immediately cut in the bud. The offender in the eyes of the offended becomes a bad person, the rapist — a real devil. Disappear respect and love. The offended person from an adult turns into a small helpless child, whom the offender must now «save».
Why are we offended?
As you can see, resentment destroys both us and the partner. So why get offended and why do we do it? Or why? In a sense, this is a question about «benefit».
Ask yourself the following questions.
- What does resentment allow me to do?
- What does resentment allow me not to do?
- What does resentment allow me to receive from others?
“When my girlfriend is offended, I feel like a little naughty boy. There is a feeling of guilt that I hate. Yes, I try to quickly fix everything so as not to feel it. But this sets us apart. There is less and less desire to communicate with her. It’s disgusting to feel forever bad,” says 30-year-old Sergei from Kazan.
“My husband is very touchy. At first I tried, asking what happened, but now I just go out to drink coffee with my friends. Tired of this. We are on the verge of a divorce,” laments 41-year-old Alexandra from Novosibirsk.
If you do this consistently, will it lead you to health, love, and happiness with your partner?
If we do too much for others and we are characterized by hyper-responsibility, then resentment gives us the opportunity to shift responsibility to another.
And if we don’t know how to get attention in a normal, adequate way, and we experience a strong deficit in love, then resentment makes it possible to achieve what we want. But not in the healthiest way. And it happens that pride does not allow us to ask for something for ourselves, and the manipulation of resentment leads to a result without asking.
Are you familiar with this? If so, look at the situation strategically. If you do this consistently, will it lead you to health, love, and happiness with your partner?
Causes of resentment that we often do not realize
It is important to understand why we choose this destructive mode of communication. Sometimes the reasons are really hidden from ourselves. And then it is all the more important to realize them. Among them may be:
- rejection of the freedom of choice of another person;
- expectations from the other, created by your understanding of how “good” and “right” and how exactly he should treat you;
- the idea that you yourself would never have done this, a sense of your own ideality;
- shifting responsibility for your needs and for their satisfaction to another person;
- unwillingness to understand the position of another person (lack of empathy);
- unwillingness to give the right to make mistakes both to oneself and to another — hyper-demanding;
- stereotypes that live in the head in the form of clear rules for each of the roles (“women should do this”, “men should do this”).
What to do?
Did you find your reasons in this list? And maybe you learned in the list above the benefits that you get from the position of the offended? Then decide for yourself: “Should I continue in the same spirit? What result will I get for myself and our couple?”
If, however, you do not really like this method, you should work with a specialist. Rebuild your habits of emotional response and communication with the help of special exercises. After all, awareness alone does not lead to change. Concrete consistent actions lead to changes in life.