Our expert has prepared a list of parenting messages that act like a spell. They all frighten, demotivate and destroy the personality.
Psychologist, gestalt therapist, career coach
“Recently I thought that hundreds, if not thousands of articles have been written on the topic of how and what to say and do in order to nurture a personality in a child. But who needs it when you so want you to always have a calm and obedient child ?! Everything that you do and say to the child now, later he will do with himself. So don’t waste your time! “
The first thing I want to say is not about phrases, but about silence. This is enough for the child to get alarmed and start doing something. For you, not for yourself. By investing all resources to earn your love back. There is no talk of development here, but there was no such task.
A logical continuation will be intimidation… Suffering a child is like casting the Imperius spell over him, a recipe for complete submission and omnipotence. The procedure for casting a spell varies depending on age: if you scare a child around 3 years old, stop his desires, a little later, you will form an inactive dreamer. At about 6 years old, you will see the first fruits of your labors: the child will begin to punish himself, stay at home and professionally pretend that he is not there. Until you need it.
Examples of phrases:
• “Nobody will be friends with such a dirty man!”
• “Do not eat porridge – you will have to deal with Baba Yaga / Gray Wolf / Terminator.”
• “If you don’t fall asleep now, the Canterville Ghost will fly.”
• “If you do not obey – I will send you to an orphanage!”
The next management tool is shame… For a parent, it is like a chisel for a sculptor: you cut off completely unnecessary feelings of self-esteem, self-confidence, importance and necessity for your purposes.
You can be ashamed for …
• actions (“You disgraced me in front of the entire teaching staff of the school by breaking a flower pot”);
• appearance (“Look at yourself, who you look like”);
• intellectual abilities (“Again brought a deuce? Are you generally capable of anything more ?!”);
• essence (“Is there anything you can do normally?”).
They will always come to the aid of shame evaluation… They will allow you to complete the image to the original TK. And the child’s psyche is so arranged that sooner or later he will have to correspond.
Examples of phrases:
• “You can’t even step without me!”
• “You are dependent!”
• “You are ugly!”
• “With a character like yours, no one but your mother will need you!”
If you want to strengthen the previous point – do not hesitate to comparisons, adding examples from the lives of wonderful people to the facts. For example, your own. You must become a symbol of all the best for the child. And then he will definitely strive for something. However, it is unlikely to achieve much. But what’s the difference – he lives next to the legend!
Examples of phrases:
• “And here I am at your age!”
• “But how did we live during the war? And here you are with your toys! “
If you suddenly notice that the child still starts to get something, use in a hurry… With it, you will completely discourage both the desire to continue and the ability to appropriate achievements.
Examples of phrases:
• “Come on faster, what are you like a cop?”
• “You have been solving this example for the second hour!”
• “When will you finally get first place in the competition?”
The child does not want devalue yourself and your efforts? And then why do you need him? You must show him that not a single detail is hidden from you: you are growing perfection, and there should be no indulgences for him.
Examples of phrases:
• “Again you failed!”
• “Well, who does that?”
• “I know you could have tried harder.”
Strengthened positions – do not forget about pressure by authority… You are an adult, and adults are always right. Then, having matured physically, the child will still perceive your opinion as the only correct one, blow off the dust particles from you, and also fear the manifestation of any force until the knees tremble.
Examples of phrases:
• “It doesn’t matter to me what you want, do as I said!”
• “Who is asking you at all?”
• “You have to behave well with the guests because I said so!”
A variation on pressure, authority would be childhood appeal… The child should always remain a child – dependent and controlled by you.
Examples of phrases:
• “You are still too young for this!”
• “This is too tough for you!”
• “When you become an adult, then …”
Your last chance to keep your child under control is to convince him that, in fact, his reality is unreal. To do this, use denial of feelings and needs… Only you know what he really needs. Now, without you (and most likely, with you), anxiety attacks, sometimes panic attacks, will begin to cover him.
Examples of phrases:
• “Well, why are you scared there? It’s not scary at all! “
• “Why are you different, how little?”
• “You don’t need this toy at all.”
• “You are just capricious and spoiled, so you constantly demand something.”
Have you done it? Then it’s worth talking about what all this is for – debt demand… At every opportunity, tell me what hardships and hardships you endured raising a child. This will ensure that he always puts you first. Just choosing between a huge sense of guilt in front of you and his own life, which, by the way, he will not have at all.
Examples of phrases:
• “My father and I put our whole life on you!”
• “I have been living with this idiot for so many years for you!”
• “Yes, I plowed three jobs in order to bring you to the people!”