Our ideas about the world and about ourselves are tested when we enter into intimate relationships. Sometimes a partner radically changes our sense of self. When does union with another interfere with contact with oneself, and when does it help? We talk about this with an existential psychotherapist.
Psychologies: Is it necessary to know yourself well before getting into a relationship?
Svetlana Krivtsova: Perhaps. Anyone who does not have at least some clarity about himself, who does not know how to defend himself and does not respect the right of another, is not yet ready for partnerships. But how many of us have this understanding protected us from strong feelings? However, falling in love perfectly tests the strength of our “I”.
What happens to us when we fall in love?
Falling in love is a powerful conquering energy, and we feel captured by it. Or scared to death by the power of the rising need for intimacy, the power of passion. Being in love shows how emotionally hungry I am. This hunger was accumulating, and I did not really notice it. Until someone appeared who sent me a secret signal that with him I could experience «the same thing.»
What exactly? Each is something different. Some are looking for peace and protection, security and reliability. And fall in love, finding a suitable partner. For others, stability is more than enough, and they need something completely different — to dispel boredom, experience thrills, color a calm life with poignancy and risk. And they fall in love with the adventurers.
The stronger our needs, the more we are blinded by fantasies and the less we see who we meet.
And those who are saturated with the love of their parents do not experience a deficit of it, but a surplus: they passionately want to give love and care. And find someone who needs care. Therefore, in fact, in love there is a meeting not with another person, but with oneself, with what is valuable and necessary for us.
The stronger our needs, the more we are blinded by fantasies and the less we see who we meet. This is one hundred percent the story of ourselves.
But once fantasies are dispelled …
Sooner or later, love ends. Sometimes a breakup occurs within a month after meeting, but more often relationships that have already disappointed last much longer.
Having soberly looked at the object of our passion, we can ask ourselves: how did I get into such a relationship? Why did I place unrealistic expectations on this impenetrable egoist and wait for him to care? And how can I no longer fall into the trap and not hear the cynical “You yourself are to blame for everything. Say thank you for putting up with you for so long.”
When we leave a relationship with a little bit of self-worth, we experience a lot of pain. If we are afraid of it, then we run into a new relationship, but if not, then we return — and sometimes even feel rejected — to ourselves.
Can love bring us closer?
Yes, again provided that we are not afraid of the suffering that accompanies love. Suffering can bring us closer to ourselves, this is its main value, and therefore life cannot be imagined without it. And if we deftly avoid it, then even love will not bring us closer to itself. Like this.
How can you endure this pain?
A good relationship with oneself helps not to fall apart from pain: honest and friendly conversation, the ability to self-compassion and the inner right to it, self-confidence and sympathy, built on knowledge of one’s own merits.
A strong union with yourself — in this «marriage» the same laws apply: «in sorrow and in joy, in wealth and poverty» … Do not divorce yourself, do not abandon yourself when something goes wrong. Try to understand: why did I do this and not otherwise? Especially when I did something bad that I regret.
See the meaning of your actions, learn to regret and repent. This is how a warm relationship with ourselves slowly develops, which gives us the feeling that we will not be left alone. Even if there is a breakup with that particular loved one. And we will build the following relationships, already being more mature and vigilant.
Is it possible to go through the path of growing up with a partner, if you still decide to stay in a relationship?
It depends on the ability of each to see in what does not suit him, a share of his own participation. And experience confusion and even shock about this: it turns out that you and your selfish husband / wife make an ideal couple!
It also affects this ability to conduct a dialogue — to declare one’s desires and defend one’s opinion when different interests and expectations collide. Some learn this outside of the family, in a less risky area, such as at work.
Conflicts are the main condition for finding oneself
A woman who is successful in her career may notice: why do I not feel respect for myself at home? A man who receives appreciation from colleagues at work may be surprised to find that he is not always an «idiot». And ask yourself: why at work I have the right to an opinion, but at home in front of a partner I can’t insist on my own?
And eventually people gather with courage and conflict begins. Conflicts are the main condition for finding oneself. And the conflicts resolved peacefully are our greatest merits, but precisely resolved ones, that is, those from which I came out not a victim, but not a rapist either. This is commonly referred to as the art of compromise.
Does the look of a partner, his reactions help us to see and understand ourselves better?
Husband and wife are each other’s first critics. When I can trust another authoritative for me to watch me and be a mirror, especially if in some aspects of life I don’t really trust myself, this is a great happiness. But only when this mirror is not the only source of my self-worth.
And what do I think of myself? After all, the mirror that reflects me can be crooked. Or not to be a mirror at all, that is, it can simply attribute to us what we are not. We all really need a respectful, interested, attentive look from a loving person: why did you do this? Do I approve of this? Can I respect you for this?
Love allows us to see the essence of each other. As Alfried Lenglet says: “We see in the other not only what he is, but what he can be, what is still dormant in him. This beauty who sleeps. We see what he can become, we see man in his potentiality. Insight is possible without love, but vigilance is available only to a loving heart.
How can we recognize true love?
There is one very subjective but precise criterion. Next to the one who loves, we can be more ourselves, we do not need to pretend, justify, prove, bend ourselves under expectations. You can just be yourself and let someone else be.