Lyudmila Petranovskaya, parenting advice

Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya is known to all modern parents. Her books are considered table books for advanced moms and dads, her speeches are instantly sorted into quotes. We have collected 12 striking sayings.

– 1 –

“Look at your child. Even if he is grimy, mischievous and a poor student, even if he just threw a tantrum, lost a new mobile phone, rude to you, even if he got it out so that it shakes you. All the same, he is not an enemy, not a saboteur or a bomb. Child and child. In places, if you rub it, you can even find where to kiss. “

– 2 –

“Probably the biggest stone, just a powerful mossy boulder that lays on the path to parenting without strain, is the feeling of guilt. Some moms confess that they feel guilty almost all the time. Everything is not going the way you want, not the way it should be, there is not enough strength, time and patience. Many complain that those around them make them feel guilty: relatives, acquaintances, other mothers. Everyone makes it clear that with children it is necessary somehow differently: stricter, kinder, more, less, but definitely not the way it is. “

– 3 –

“We didn’t notice how a rather unpleasant thing happened. What was previously designated by the word “ideal” is now considered the norm and is imposed as a norm. This new “norm” is actually impracticable in principle, but if everyone in general understands about the ideal that it is unattainable, then the norm is just take it out and put it down. ”

– 4 –

“Let’s not fight for the title of a good mother. Let’s immediately, on the shore, admit our imperfection. We are not terminators. We do not have an infinite resource. We can be wrong, hurt, tired and just not want to. We will not be in time for everything, even if we have a thousand organizers. We will not do everything well, and we will not even do well enough either. Our children will feel lonely at times, and sometimes our work will not be completed on time. “

– 5 –

“Allowing yourself to solve a problem with the help of physical strength, you ask this model to the child, and then it will be more difficult for you to explain to him why you cannot beat the weak and generally fight if you are dissatisfied with something.”

– 6 –

“A parent’s threat to ‘leave’, ‘give up’ or a boycott, a clearly demonstrated unwillingness to ‘look beyond’, very quickly and effectively plunges the child into real emotional hell. Many children confess that they would rather be whipped. When a parent hits you, he is still in contact with you. You exist for him, he sees you. It hurts, but not fatal. When a parent pretends that you do not exist, it is much worse, it is like a death sentence. “

– 7 –

“The habit of being emotionally discharged through a child – if you break down often – is just a bad habit, a kind of addiction. And you need to effectively cope with it in the same way as with any other bad habit: not “fight against”, but “learn differently,” gradually trying and consolidating other models. Not “from now on, never again” – everyone knows what such vows lead to, but “today is at least a little less than yesterday” or “to do without it for only one day.”

– 8 –

“For some reason, many adults think that if a child does not instantly give up everything he was doing and does not run to fulfill their instructions, this is a sign of disrespect. In fact, disrespect means addressing a person not with a request, but with an order, without being interested in his plans and desires (the only exceptions are emergency situations related to security). “

– 9 –

“Trying to change a child’s behavior simply by age or moment is like fighting snow drifts in winter. You can, of course, sweep the snow from your favorite flower bed all the time. Day after day without knowing rest. But isn’t it easier to wait until everything melts by itself in three days in April? “

– 10 –

“Many of us, especially women, are brought up to believe that taking care of ourselves is selfishness. If you have a family and children, no “for yourself” should exist anymore … No money, no development, no education – nothing can replace you for your child. As long as you feel bad, he will be unhappy and will not develop normally. In such a situation, investing time and energy into him, trying to improve his behavior is useless. Realize that right now you are the weakest and most valuable link. Everything that you now invest in yourself – time, money, energy – will be of use to your children. “

– 11 –

“The child has a lot to do besides bringing the adults on purpose. He faces big tasks, he needs to grow, develop, understand life, strengthen himself in it. “

– 12 –

“Do not demand everything from yourself and from the child at once. Life doesn’t end today. If now the child does not know, does not want, cannot, this does not mean at all that it will always be so. Children grow and change, sometimes beyond recognition. The main thing is that by the time the child is ready to change for the better, the relationship between you has not been hopelessly ruined. “

What does the child want?

The child wants not only sweets, toys, an unlimited computer and vacations 365 days a year. He, like any normal person, wants:

• to feel good (not to experience suffering, not to be afraid, not to do something very unpleasant);

• be loved, accepted, liked (by your parents, peers, teachers), including being sure that you will not be abandoned;

• be successful (in relationships with parents, in friendship, in the game, in school, in sports);

• to be heard, understood, communicate, make friends, receive attention;

• to be needed, to feel belonging, to know your place in the family;

• know the rules of the game and the boundaries of what is permitted;

• grow, develop, realize abilities.