Love: a whirlwind of emotions or painstaking work?

make me happy

When we enter into a relationship, we do not always understand that at the beginning of a romantic relationship, we behave a little differently than in ordinary life. And that’s why, sometimes, we are disappointed both in ourselves and in a partner.

Maria, 32, says: “He was perfect while we were dating — attentive, sensitive, cared for me and cherished, I felt how important it was for him that he was afraid to lose me. He was always there, he came at the first call even in the middle of the night. I was so happy! But when we started living together, he suddenly showed up some business of his own, a desire to relax, and he began to pay much less attention to me. Perhaps this is not my person … «

What happened? Maria saw a real man in front of her, a separate person who, in addition to her, also has himself in her life. And she doesn’t like this reality at all, because a childish desire speaks in it: “I want everything to revolve around me.”

But another cannot devote his life to constantly making us happy. No matter how dear relationships are, our own interests, needs and desires, personal space and time are also important to us. And this is a subtle art — to find a balance between life in a couple and your own.

Dmitry, 45, doesn’t like it when his wife talks about something unpleasant. He withdraws and avoids such conversations. His inner message to his wife is: Stroke me, say only good things, and then I will be happy. But life in a couple is impossible without talking about problems, without conflicts, without difficult feelings.

The desire of the wife to bring Dmitry to the conversation speaks of her willingness to solve problems, but this is difficult for Dmitry. It turns out that he wants his wife to make him happy, but does not think that perhaps she is missing something, something upsets her, since she turns to him with such a request.

What do we expect from a partner?

Another attitude that people enter into relationships with is: “Spend your life on making me happy, serve my needs, and I will exploit you.”

It is clear that this relationship has nothing to do with love. The expectation that the other will always make us happy dooms us, first of all, to deep disappointment and suggests that it is important to work on ourselves and our attitudes.

Saying “I want to be with you”, people often mean some kind of “ideal” part of a partner, ignoring his human side, where there is a place for imperfection. The expectation that the other will always be “good”, “comfortable” is completely unrealistic and interferes with building healthy relationships.

Very often we say that we are dissatisfied with a partner, but do we often think about our “shortcomings”? Don’t we stop seeing the good in those close to us, on which we should rely in relationships? Do we still appreciate and notice his strengths, or have they become something for granted for us?

Love is a concern for two

Building relationships, creating a special space of love and intimacy is the concern of two, and both make steps towards them. If we expect that only the partner will “walk”, but do not plan to move ourselves, this indicates our infantile position. But sacrificing oneself to another, shouldering all the work, including emotional work, on oneself is also not the healthiest position.

Is everyone ready to work in a relationship, and not shift these worries to a partner? Unfortunately, no. But it is useful for everyone to think about themselves, ask the following questions:

• Why do I think it’s okay to go with the flow?
• Where will I end up if I don’t care for relationships, stop investing my efforts in them, taking responsibility for them?
• What will happen if I do not give up the position “I am who I am, I am not going to change — period”?
• What threatens the unwillingness to learn and take into account each other’s «languages ​​of love»?

Here are two metaphors that will help you understand how important the contribution of both partners to the relationship is.

Let’s imagine a walking person. What happens if one leg drags, «refuses» to go? How long can the second leg bear the double load? What will happen to this person?

Now imagine that the relationship is a houseplant. In order for it to be alive and healthy, to bloom regularly, you need to water it, expose it to light, create the right temperature, fertilize, and graft. Without proper care, it will die. Relationships, if not taken care of, die. And such care is an equal responsibility of both. Knowing this is the key to a strong relationship.

Understanding and accepting the differences of partners helps them to take steps towards each other. Even the person closest to us is different from us, and the desire to change him, to make him comfortable for yourself means that you don’t need him (the way he is).

It is in relationships that you can learn to see otherness, learn to accept and understand it, discovering other, unlike yours, ways to live, communicate, solve problems, respond to changes.

At the same time, it is important not to dissolve in a partner, not to copy his way of interacting with the world and himself. After all, our task is to develop without losing our identity. You can learn something new by accepting it as a gift from a partner.

Psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm argued: «… Love is an active concern, an interest in the life and well-being of the one we love.» But sincere interest is where we try to see the other for who he is before mindlessly improving his life. This is the secret of honest and harmonious relationships.