In long-term relationships, partners often become uninterested in each other, and as a result, they become bored together. Can a simple question save your marriage? Quite possibly! The advice of a cognitive therapist will help those who want to reconnect with a loved one.
stranger acquaintances
“From clients who have been living with one partner for a long time, I often hear that they are bored with the relationship. It seems to them that they already know everything about their partner: how he thinks, how he behaves, what he likes. But every person is constantly evolving, especially those who are consciously engaged in self-improvement,” explains cognitive therapist Niro Feliciano.
During the quarantine, millions of couples were locked at home. They had to spend several months alone with each other. And in many cases, this further aggravated the fatigue of partners from each other.
Feliciano offers a very simple technique that she says is good for reconnecting emotionally: the question game.
“My husband Ed and I have been together for almost 18 years and often practice this game when one of us makes some wrong assumption about the other. For example, we go shopping and he suddenly says: “This dress would suit you very much, don’t you think?” I am surprised: “Yes, it’s not at all to my taste, I wouldn’t put it on in my life!” Maybe it would have worked for me before. But it is important to remember that we all grow, develop and change,” says Feliciano.
Question game rules
The question game is very simple and informal. You and your partner take turns asking each other about anything that sparks curiosity. The main goal of the game is to get rid of delusions and erroneous ideas about each other.
Questions can be prepared in advance or composed spontaneously. They may or may not be serious, but it’s important to respect everyone’s boundaries. “Perhaps your partner will not be ready to talk about something. The topic may be unusual for him or cause discomfort. Perhaps if painful memories are associated with it. If you see that he is unpleasant, you should not press and seek an answer, ”Niro Feliciano emphasizes.
Start with the simplest questions. They will help you check how well your partner really knows you:
- What do I love the most about food?
- Who is my favorite actor?
- What films do I like best?
You can even start like this: “Do you think I have changed a lot since we met? And in what exactly? Then answer the same question yourself. This will help you understand how your ideas about each other and about your relationship have changed over time.
Another important category of questions concerns your dreams and plans for the future. Here are some examples:
- What do you think I want to achieve in life?
- What do you dream about the most?
- What do you expect from the future?
- What was your impression of me after our first meeting?
- What do you now know about me that you did not know at the beginning of our acquaintance? How did you understand this?
The game of questions does not just bring you closer: it awakens your curiosity and thereby contributes to the production of “pleasure hormones” in the body. You will want to learn more and more about your partner. You will suddenly realize: the person whom you seemed to know very well is still capable of giving you many surprises. And it’s a very pleasant feeling. Relationships that seemed habitually comfortable suddenly sparkle with new colors.