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Time drags on forever, you check your phone every minute. All thoughts are only about him. You remember all the good things that happened between you. You do not leave the hope to meet again and talk. Why shouldn’t this be done? And how to alleviate your condition?
Breaking up a relationship is always hard. And it seems to be almost impossible to survive the loss. Psychologist and grief counselor Susan Elliott, after a painful divorce from her husband, decided to help other people get over the breakup. She became a psychotherapist, started a podcast about relationships, and wrote the book The Gap, which was published in Russian by the MIF publishing house.
Susan is sure that summing up a relationship is painful, but your pain can turn into a chance for development. Immediately after the breakup, you will break down as if you are getting rid of a severe drug addiction. But if you want to start a new life and get rid of relationships that are destroying you, you have to fight for yourself. That’s just how?
Separate yourself from past relationships
To truly get over and accept a breakup, you need to emotionally, physically, and psychologically separate yourself from your past relationship. Of course, you used to spend a lot of time together and, most likely, took up the largest part of each other’s life. Both you and your partner will feel like “Alexander and Maria” for some time, and not just Alexander and just Maria. And for some time, the patterns of living together will work out of inertia.
Certain places, seasons, events — all this is still connected with the former. To break this connection, you need to endure some time without communicating with each other. It may seem to you that communication with him, at least for a short time, will relieve pain and fill the painful emptiness that has formed inside. Alas, it does not alleviate the experience, but only delays the inevitable. Some ex-couples manage to become friends later, but the later this happens, the better.
I just need to figure it out
Finding out from him what and when went wrong is a great temptation. You may not have noticed how the relationship cracked, and did not understand why that last stupid fight led to a breakup. Accept the fact that you think differently and let go of the person in peace to find someone whose perception of life is akin to yours.
Sometimes, instead of trying to have a thorough conversation, people continue to have violent arguments with each other, which, in fact, led to the end of the relationship at one time. It is better to avoid such tactics. If he wants to dump all his claims on you (which happens regularly), end the conversation immediately. If imaginary conversations with him haunt you, try writing down everything you would like to say to him, but leave the letter unsent.
I just want sex
When two recently separated people meet, the air around them seems to be electrified. This atmosphere can be mistaken for sexual arousal. In addition, you can suffer from loneliness, and now thoughts come into your head: “What’s wrong with that?” After all, you were close people, you know each other’s bodies. One time more, one time less — so what’s the difference?
Sex with an ex can be exciting, but it brings new difficulties and doubts. It should be avoided along with other forms of contact. No matter how much fun you have, when it’s over, you may feel confused or used. As a result, thoughts may appear whether he was with someone else, and these thoughts will instill fear and anxiety in the soul. And that means your drama can start all over again. Find the strength within yourself to stop it.
What will help reduce contacts
Organize a support system around you
Breaking off a relationship, act as if getting rid of a bad habit. Find close people to call at any time if you suddenly feel like talking to your ex. Ask friends to cover you in case of an emergency emotional outburst.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself
It is difficult to remain mentally strong and collected person if you are physically exhausted. Make sure you get enough breaks at work, get plenty of rest, eat right, and indulge in fun. If you do not please yourself, it is more difficult for the psyche to withstand the onslaught of temptation.
Keep a contact diary
Keep a diary to keep track of how often you interact with him. Write down how you respond to his calls and letters, as well as how you feel when you call and write to him yourself. Write down what happens just before you get the urge to call. Ask yourself questions before, during, and after a conversation or email. Give yourself time to think about these questions and write down your thoughts to better articulate them:
- What prompted the desire to call him?
- What do you feel? Are you nervous, bored, sad? Do you have feelings of emptiness or loneliness?
- Was there anything in particular (a thought, a memory, a question) that made you think of your ex and you immediately wanted to talk to him?
- What result do you expect?
- Where did these expectations come from? Is it your fantasies about something that you would like to hear? Or are they based on past experience? Do you make decisions based on fantasy or reality?
- Are you trying to change the past?
- Are you trying to get a specific response from the person?
- Do you want to ease the pain and relieve the burden from the soul?
- Do you think negative attention is better than none?
- Are you feeling abandoned? Minor? Want to call your ex to remind you of your existence?
- Do you think that phone calls will allow you to control how he copes without you?
- Do you hope that he will not be able to forget you if you periodically remind him of yourself?
- Why are you so focused on one person?
After keeping a diary, you will understand that you need to change something in your life, otherwise you will not be able to distance yourself from your ex.
Make a to-do list
The next step is to think ahead about the specific actions you will take when you feel like talking to him. Make a list of the steps you need to take before writing to him. For example, first call a friend, then go to the gym, then take a walk. Attach the plan in a conspicuous place so that it is in front of your eyes at the moment when you want to contact.
You will practice self-control and feel more confident. Until you have “pulled” yourself out of past relationships, it is difficult to put an end to the end of a phrase and start a new chapter in life. By continuing to seek the attention of an ex, you will bog down in a quagmire of grief and multiply the pain. Building a new meaningful life lies in the opposite direction.