Each of us periodically becomes an unwitting witness to other people’s conflicts. Many from the very childhood observe the quarrels of their parents, not being able to intervene. Growing up, we see friends, colleagues or just random passers-by arguing. So is it worth trying to reconcile loved ones? And can we help strangers deal with their anger?
“Don’t get involved in other people’s affairs” — we hear from childhood, but sometimes it can be difficult to resist the desire to intervene in someone else’s conflict. It seems to us that we are objective and unbiased, that we have excellent diplomatic skills and are able to sort out in a few minutes the deep contradictions that prevent those who quarrel from finding a compromise.
However, in practice, this practice almost never leads to a good result. Psychologist and mediator Irina Gurova advises not to act as a peacemaker in quarrels between close people and strangers.
According to her, a truly impartial person with professional skills and appropriate education is needed to resolve the conflict. We are talking about a specialist-mediator (from the Latin mediātor — «intermediary»).
The main principles of the mediator’s work:
- impartiality and neutrality;
- confidentiality;
- voluntary consent of the parties;
- transparency of the procedure;
- mutual respect;
- equality of the parties.
IF RELATED PEOPLE quarrel
The psychologist insists: it is impossible, even if you really want to, to regulate the conflicts of parents, relatives or friends. The consequences can be unpredictable. It often happens that a person who has tried to reconcile loved ones is himself drawn into a dispute, or those in conflict unite against him.
Why shouldn’t we interfere?
- We will never be able to take into account all the nuances of the relations between the two sides, no matter how good relations we have with them. The connection between two people is always unique.
- It is difficult to remain neutral in a situation where loved ones quickly turn into aggressive people who want the worst for each other.
According to the mediator, the best way to end the conflict of loved ones is not to try to solve it, but to protect yourself from negativity. If, for example, the spouses quarreled in a friendly company, it makes sense to ask them to leave the premises in order to sort things out.
After all, taking your personal conflicts out in public is simply impolite.
What can I say?
- “If you need to fight, please come out. You can continue there if it is very important, but we do not want to listen to it.
- “Now is not the time and place to sort things out. Please deal with each other separately from us.”
At the same time, Gurova notes that it is impossible to predict the emergence of a conflict and prevent it. If your loved ones are impulsive and emotional, they can start a scandal at any moment.
IF STRANGERS FIGHT
If you have witnessed a conversation in raised tones between strangers, it is also better not to interfere, Irina Gurova believes. If you try to mediate, they may rudely ask why you are interfering in their affairs.
“It is difficult to predict what will happen: it all depends on who these conflicting parties are. How balanced they are, do they have any impulsive, violent reactions, ”she warns.
However, if a quarrel between strangers causes discomfort to others or there is a danger to one of the parties to the conflict (for example, a husband beats his wife or mother of a child), that is another story. In this case, it is necessary to threaten the aggressor with calling law enforcement agencies or social services and really call if the offender has not calmed down.