“I’m bored with you”: how to survive the plateau period


At the beginning of the novel, it seems to us that cloudless happiness will last forever. But now we begin to live together and notice that some of the partner’s habits are terribly annoying. Has love gone? Not at all, says family therapist Sam Garanzini. It’s just that relationships are moving to a new level, and if you show wisdom, feelings will last for many years.

Max and Anna whiled away a quiet family evening, but then Max decided to play pranks. It was just an innocent joke, but Anna snorted in displeasure. It is interesting that once he conquered her precisely with his sense of humor. On every date, Anna laughed to tears. Why has everything changed?

Are you familiar with this? Does the relationship seem to have lost its edge? Alas, this happens quite often. How to get out of the impasse?

Is it possible to extend the honeymoon

Every couple experiences a plateau sooner or later. Everything that used to cause delight becomes commonplace and at times even gets on your nerves. This is natural, because relationships are on the usual track. The flame of love is extinguished. We do not understand this immediately: we just calmly change clothes in front of each other and go to bed at ten in the evening to sleep.

From a scientific point of view, the honeymoon phase is accompanied by a powerful surge of dopamine. This neurotransmitter is associated with feelings of pleasure and influences reward and motivation. Since the body is not able to maintain an exorbitantly high level of dopamine for a long time, passion inevitably subsides.

What is important, a slight degree of mutual dissatisfaction speaks of … a healthy relationship

Researchers at the Gottman Institute found that at the beginning of a novel, the ratio of positive to negative impressions of each other is 20:1. Over time, the ratios decrease to 5:1. Now it’s clear why Anna used to find Max’s antics incredibly witty, and then they began to annoy her?

Such changes come as soon as you get used to living together and begin to behave at ease. And, importantly, a slight degree of mutual dissatisfaction speaks of … a healthy relationship.

How to bring back the joy

When a relationship is in its infancy, we are fascinated by everything our partner does. He collects stamps, is fond of fishing, plays preference – what a charm! Years later, we want to turn back time to talk about everything in the world again and suffocate from the tenderness of the night away. At the very beginning, when sexual desire is at its peak, frank conversations fuel affection and mutual interest. But if communication is mainly limited to the bedroom, the sparks of love die under the covers.

The problem is that their relationship is on autopilot. Life loses color

Faced with everyday life, many couples feel an emotional void. Love did not pass, people simply began to take each other for granted.

And so it happened with Max and Anna. But Max is not only a joker, but also a passionate amateur aviator. Anna admits that she loves hearing stories about airplanes and dreaming about how one day they will take to the skies together.

Anna loves fashion, she is always up to date with the latest clothing trends. They have something to talk about, because fashion and travel are inexhaustible topics. But the problem is that their relationship is developing “on autopilot”. Life loses color and becomes monotonous.

What if the interests are too different

What happens when we look in different directions? It happens that we are upset that the partner does not respond too lively to our attempts to get closer. But after all, everyone has their own perception of the world and their own way of interacting with others.

It becomes easier to accept this if we assume that all people are divided into four types according to the style of communication: Seekers, Keepers, Analysts and Diplomats.

  • Seekers perceive the world through physical sensations and sensory images.
  • For Guardians, the strength of affection, the quality of communication and the degree of trust between people are above all.
  • Analysts value productive debate and always advocate objectivity.
  • Diplomats clearly know their own needs and respect the needs of others.

Partners with different communication styles complement each other perfectly, but if there is no complete understanding, the relationship is destroyed. For example, the Seeker intuitively perceives that the partner is tired and does not feel like making love, while the Keeper may mistake fatigue for coldness and suffer in silence.

It is worth understanding what type each of you belongs to, and you will learn to see the situation through the eyes of another.

How to fix everything

If you feel like your relationship is stagnant, it’s not too late to change things. Here’s what can be done.

  • Take a closer look at your partner’s interests and hobbies, but remember: he has his own communication style, which means you need to find the key to him.
  • Put down your phone, take your eyes off the TV, and pay attention to your loved one. Give him moments of real intimacy.
  • Try to refrain from idle chatter, strive for meaningful conversations.
  • Use the phrase “tell me more” so that your partner can see what you’re really interested in.

We all love to talk about ourselves, and if you do not spare time and attention for your partner, mutual affection will last for many years.

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