Trying to understand partners, we sometimes judge by ourselves. And this is a mistake, says social psychologist Alexander Shakhov. Don’t expect men’s reactions to be similar to women’s. Explanations and expert advice will help those who are looking for mutual understanding in a relationship.
Fairy tales teach girls that the main thing is to meet “the one”. But the relationship still needs to be maintained and developed. And no one teaches this anymore: no fairy tales, no grandmothers, no school. Hence the frequent disappointments. How to avoid them? Based on my experience of working with couples, I will give two pieces of advice.
1. Remember that a man is your complete opposite.
I know this is hard to accept. An inner voice whispers to you: “Well, there can’t be such a big difference between us, because they also have two ears and almost the same number of limbs.” But we are noticeably different from each other outwardly, and our internal structure is so different that a suitable comparison is “black and white”
How many mistakes could be avoided, how many marriages could be saved, if women (and men too) applied the well-worn but relevant worldly wisdom: “you don’t judge others by yourself”!
Do not expect «normal» behavior from men, because by «normal» women mean «understandable by any woman.» Better study these «aliens». Men’s logic of behavior is dictated not by low morality or bad upbringing, but by the action of small molecules called hormones.
In situations where a woman feels sympathy (oxytocin is responsible for this), a man does not feel it (the cat cried in his oxytocin). When she is afraid (adrenaline: vasoconstriction, flight response; produced when testosterone is low), he becomes angry (norepinephrine: vasodilation, attack response; produced most often when testosterone is high).
The main mistake of women is to expect that the male reaction will be similar to the female one. When you understand this, it will become easier for you to get along with men.
2. Drop your previous experience
And even more so discard someone else’s. Bernard Shaw said: “The only one who acted reasonably was my tailor. He measured me again every time he saw me, while everyone else came up to me with old measurements, expecting me to match them.
The purpose of the human brain is to analyze the environment, find patterns and build stable reactions. In other words, we create patterns, stereotypes very quickly. But nothing will work if you apply the experience gained in previous relationships, or, even worse, the experience of your girlfriends, mothers, great-grandmothers and «television experts» to your relationship.
Your current man is not the same as your ex. Men are not the same (nor are women, but you yourself know that). Try to look at your partner as a foreigner who came from another country (and possibly from another planet). Do not rush to conclusions.
Your main communication tool is the question “Why?”. Given not with a claim, but with interest, respect and a desire to understand the reason, to study and accept the view of another.