In some women, the maternal instinct is so strong that it begins to spread even to the husband. Indeed, it is sometimes easy to confuse caring for a loved one with caring for a helpless child. Why this is happening and what it is fraught with, says psychologist Tanya Mezhelaitis.
“Put a napkin on your knees… Wait, don’t eat, it’s hot… Take this piece of fish…” What care for a child! But at the table in the restaurant to my right, it was not my mother and son who were having dinner at all, but a woman and a man of about 35 years old. He chewed slowly with a tired look, she actively fussed.
Have you noticed that such relationships are not at all uncommon? For some of the men, such guardianship is only a joy. No need to decide anything, no need to take responsibility for your own life. But everything has a downside.
Mommy will take care, mommy will comfort, mommy will feed. That’s just an intimate life with mommy can not be. And sooner or later they leave mom … Or they don’t leave, but such a relationship can hardly be called an equal relationship between two adults.
There are also men who agree to play such games, and they bear their share of responsibility for what is happening. But they do not have to be «adopted»! But if a woman over and over again builds relationships with representatives of the opposite sex in this way, she should pay attention to her own behavior. After all, she can only fix herself, but not another person.
What to do?
In order to stop being a mother to your own husband, you need to understand how the functions of mother and wife differ.
Initially, a woman has three role models: Mother, Wife (she is also a lover) and Girl. When she has a son, a woman, due to her experience, communicates with a small man based on a position of superiority. Its main task is to determine in what conditions the child will be as comfortable as possible.
Until the fifth birthday of the son, the mother lays in him a certain model of behavior, which he will be guided in life. During this period, its main function is control: eat or not eat, go to the toilet or not. This is necessary for the child to survive.
At the same time, a woman-wife communicates with her husband on a completely different level. She accepts him for who he is, because she is dealing with an adult man. With the one who knows what he wants, who can independently determine whether he is warm or cold. He plans his day himself, can cheer himself up when he is sad, and take his time when he is bored.
Any healthy man understands his basic needs and can satisfy them on his own. Therefore, a woman calmly feels herself in the role of an equal partner, wife, and trusts her partner. If this does not happen, then instead of trust there is a need to control it. And control is always about fear.
If in your couple a woman controls a man, you should ask yourself: what am I afraid of? Lose your man? Or lose control of your finances? We always get some benefit from this control. Think about what is the benefit of this situation for you personally?
A mother, unlike a wife, can indulge the weaknesses of her little boy. And women often confuse acceptance with such indulgence, although we are not talking about a baby who cannot survive without a mother. Without understanding, they say: “My husband is an alcoholic, but I accept him the way he is. We must accept a person as he is! or «My husband is a gamer, but I accept it … Well, here he is.»
However, this attitude destroys not only herself, but also the relationship.
A mother may feel sorry for her child — and this is natural. In turn, it is common for an adult woman to feel sorry for her man when, for example, he falls ill and is in a vulnerable state.
During an illness, we all become children: sympathy, acceptance, pity are important to us. But as soon as a man recovers, excessive, excessive pity must be turned off.
In dealing with an adult man, a woman equal to him should be flexible. When we begin to be overly firm: “No, it will be as I said” or “I will decide everything myself,” we deny our partner the ability to help us. And this is something very reminiscent of … Mommy often speaks to her son from the position of «I myself», because in these respects she is the adult. Yes, she can cook borscht or wash the window herself, because a five-year-old child will not do this.
When a married woman constantly says “I myself,” she demonstrates distrust to her man. It is as if she is sending him a signal: “You are small, weak, you will not cope, I will do better anyway.”
Why is it so? Everyone will have their own answer. Maybe it happened because that was the way it was in her parents’ family. Indeed, in childhood, we easily learn other people’s scenarios. Perhaps we did not find an appropriate role model in our family: for example, dad was seriously ill, he needed care, and mom often had to make the most important decisions.
In order to build a competent relationship, you need to clearly understand your roles. Who are you in your family scenario: mother or wife? Who do you want to see next: a man-son or a man-husband, an equal partner?
It is important to remember: when you trust a partner, he has the strength to cope with tasks.
Sometimes it’s hard to «turn mommy off» when there are real sons in the family. The woman is stuck in the motherly role, «adopting» everyone around her — her husband, her brother, even her father. Of course, the latter also have a choice whether to follow this model or not. However, relationships are a dance that is performed by two, and partners somehow adjust to each other if they do not want to lose someone they actually love.
In marriage, it is necessary to transmit faith in a partner. Even if he has difficulties at work and he came to complain to you, you do not need to rush to solve his problems. This mom can explain to him how to solve a math problem or assemble a constructor. A grown man doesn’t need your help. And if you still need it, he is able to voice it. Here is support for everyone!
It is important to remember that when you trust your spouse, he has the strength to cope with difficulties. Leave the man room for independent decisions. Otherwise, he will never learn to care for others.
Do not be surprised that the spouse does not care for you — after all, he not only does not want to, but also does not know how to do it. Or maybe they didn’t even give him a chance to learn … If you want to improve the situation, the next time you tie a scarf for your husband before going out, be sure to think: what role are you playing at this moment?