«Granny, sit down!»: let the children grow up

Do you want your children to grow up successful and happy? Then give them the opportunity to become independent! Every day provides many opportunities for this. It remains only to notice such situations and, most importantly, to monitor your own motivation, says Ekaterina Klochkova, a systemic family therapist.

“Granny, sit down” — at the end of the school excursion, the third-grader first happily plopped down on the only empty seat in the subway car, and then jumped up in front of the grandmother who approached. But the woman was categorically against it. She almost forced her grandson to sit down, and she herself, also tired after a walking tour, stood opposite him.

Watching this scene, I noticed that the boy’s decision was not easy for him: he wanted to take care of his grandmother, but it was hard to argue with her. And the woman, for her part, took care of her grandson … at the same time telling him between the lines that he was small.

The situation is quite typical, I myself have encountered it more than once in relationships with my children. Memories of their infancy and childhood are so attractive that it makes it difficult to notice how each of them grows up and how gradually, day by day, their opportunities grow and their needs change. And they are expressed not only in getting an iPhone for your birthday instead of the usual Lego set.

The goal is not only to raise a physically strong and happy child, but also to teach him to build healthy relationships.

Most likely, the need for recognition has already appeared, and, to some extent, a conscious desire to make a feasible contribution to family well-being. But the child does not yet have the capacity, insight and life experience of an adult to quickly understand what is happening to him and get what he wants. Therefore, the role of the parent in this process is very important. It can both support a healthy process of growing up, and distort it, slow it down or make it impossible for a while.

Many parents say that their goal is not only to raise a physically strong, beautiful and happy child, but also to teach him to build healthy relationships with people around him. And this means being able to choose good friends and in this friendship take care not only of yourself, but also of those who are nearby. Only then will relationships with others develop the child and open up new possibilities for him (and his environment).

It would seem, what does the grandmother from the story at the beginning of the text have to do with it? Imagine a different development of the situation. Seeing the third grade grandson get up to make way for her. Grandmother says to him: “Thank you, dear. I’m glad you notice that I’m tired too. I will gladly take the seat you want to give up, because I see that you are old enough to take care of me.

Friends would see that this guy is an attentive and caring grandson, that his grandmother respects him as an adult

I agree that the pronunciation of such a text is unrealistic. Talking for such a long time, scrupulously listing everything that you notice, is taught to psychologists at trainings, so that later they would communicate with their clients in simple words, but with a new quality. So let our grandmother in our imagination have a chance to simply accept her grandson’s offer and sit down and sincerely thank him.

At that moment, the boy’s classmates would also see that the boy is attentive to his grandmother, and the grandmother gladly accepts his care. And perhaps they will remember a successful example of socially acceptable behavior. Also, it would probably affect their relationship with a classmate. After all, friends would see that this guy is an attentive and caring grandson, that his grandmother respects him as an adult.

From such an everyday mosaic, parent-child relationships, and any other relationships, are formed. In these moments, we either force them to remain immature, infantile and, ultimately, inadequately adapted to life in society, or we help them grow and respect themselves and others.

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