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“Go into your fears”, “get out of your comfort zone”, “think only positively”, “rely on yourself”, “don’t give up” — these and many other tips we often hear from personal growth coaches, as well as from ordinary people. who we consider experts in some areas. Let’s take a look at what’s wrong with such popular appeals.
Each of the above phrases can motivate and help on the way to our goals. However, sometimes the thoughtless use of such advice, on the contrary, injures and leads to apathy. What is wrong with each of them?
1. «Get outside your comfort zone»
This phrase and words like “go into your fears” often carry a call to action, regardless of whether the person has the strength to do so. Some people are very easy to infect with an idea — they immediately run to put it into practice. However, at the same time, they often cannot critically assess whether this is really their true desire and whether they have the resources to fulfill it.
For example, a person decided to leave his comfort zone and got the idea to sell his services without having sufficient knowledge and opportunities for this. He overcame the fear, as advised by coaches, but suddenly received a negative reaction to his product or service. As a result, he can give up, and later completely burn out emotionally.
Remember: sometimes our fears signal that it is too early to act. Often they help us figure out if we really want change and how ready we are for it at the moment. Therefore, we should not perceive them solely as a factor that prevents us from achieving our goals.
Therefore, so that this advice does not harm you, ask yourself:
- And why am I now going into my fears and going beyond the comfort? What do I want to get?
- Do I have the strength, time and resources for this? Do I have enough knowledge?
- Am I doing this because I have to or because I want to?
- Am I running from myself? Am I trying to prove something to others?
2. «Don’t stop, just keep going»
This is the second most popular advice. Meanwhile, in psychotherapy there is the concept of «compulsive actions». This phrase describes, for example, those situations when a person is afraid to stop and rest, he is frightened by the thought: “What if everything that is acquired by overwork is lost?”
Because of such fears, a person cannot take a break and hear himself. On the contrary, he sets new goals all the time. Not having time to «digest» the old experience, he is already striving to get a new one. For example, he can constantly eat: first one dish, then back to the refrigerator for dessert, then to a restaurant. After a while, this person will definitely suffer from problems with the gastrointestinal tract.
It is the same with our psyche. You can’t just absorb all the time. It is important to give each experience gained time to «digest» — to allow yourself to rest and only then go for a new portion of goals. Ask yourself: “Am I afraid to stop? What scares me when I stop? Perhaps I am anxious because of the fear of losing everything or meeting one on one with myself? If I stop and find myself without goals for a while, how will I see myself?”
3. “You only need to think positively”
Often such advice is also perceived distortedly. There is a temptation to repress your emotions, pretending that everything is fine, and thereby deceive yourself. This can be called a defense mechanism of the psyche: to convince yourself that everything is fine so as not to experience pain, fear, anger and other complex feelings.
On a computer, we can delete an unnecessary file in the trash, forgetting about it once and for all. With the psyche, this will not work — trying to “throw out” your feelings, you only accumulate them in the subconscious. Sooner or later, some trigger will bring them to the surface. Therefore, it is so important to clearly define all your feelings.
If you don’t know how, try learning it. For example, there are a lot of videos on YouTube on this topic. Once you understand your emotions, you can control them. To live something and thus free yourself from negativity, and leave something if you really need it.
4. «Don’t ask anyone for anything»
This is another common phrase. I am definitely for each of us to be a self-sufficient person and not depend on others. In this case, we will have a lot of freedom and self-respect. But life is not always easy, and each of us can have a crisis.
Even the strongest person can be disarmed. And in such moments it is extremely important to be able to lean on others. This does not mean that you should sit on someone’s neck and dangle your legs. Rather, it is about the opportunity to catch your breath, accept help and move on. You should not be embarrassed or frightened by this state of affairs.
Think about it: if someone asks you for support that you can provide without harming yourself, how do you feel? Can you help? Think of times when you helped others. Usually this fills not only the one to whom help is addressed, but also the one who helps. We are proud of ourselves and feel pleasure, because we are so arranged — other people are important to us.
When we are able to help another, we feel our need. So why don’t we give another opportunity to enjoy the fact that he has become important and needed. Of course, it is very important not to violate your own boundaries here. Before helping, clearly ask yourself, “Can I do this? Do I want it?
Also, if you turn to another for help, you can check with him if he will be comfortable. Ask for an honest answer. You can even voice your doubts and concerns if you are worried so as not to overstress the other. Do not forget: the exchange of energy, mutual assistance and support is an integral part of life.