In marriage, spouses often have to seek compromises in solving everyday issues and go towards each other in conflict situations in order to maintain harmony in the family. But is it worth doing this when the payment of the «marital debt» becomes violence against oneself?
Sex is a litmus test of relationships, which can be used to judge the trust between partners, their compatibility and ability to hear each other. If you have to step over yourself every time to please your partner, your relationship is in jeopardy.
How to figure out what problems are behind the reluctance to have sex? And how to establish contact with a partner and with yourself?
Imagine what will happen if you refuse your man in sex? What will be his reaction? Perhaps your partner actively insists on what you want, and you, unconsciously fearing to lose his favor, make concessions?
It is not uncommon for women to behave this way if they had to earn the love of their parents as a child or experienced a traumatic situation associated with the fear of losing a loved one.
Think about where you got the idea that you are obliged to provide sex «at the request» of a partner?
After all, when you get married, as well as at the beginning of a relationship with a man, your right to your own physical boundaries does not evaporate anywhere. Perhaps this belief is imposed on you by society and it is time to change it?
In itself, the expression «marital duty» looks manipulative, since the desires of one partner seem to have more weight than the desires of the second. Sex, like relationships, is a reciprocal process, where the desires of both partners should be taken into account equally.
There is such a thing as a culture of consent, where intimacy without a positive response is considered violence. If your partner really loves you and values the relationship, he will try to hear your desires and calmly try to find a solution to the problem with you. And even more so will not turn away from you.
You need to listen to your body and put your desires in the first place — otherwise the reluctance to have sex or even aversion to this process can only intensify and harm not only your relationship, but also yourself.
There is love but no desire
Let’s say your man is sincerely trying to find an approach to you, but you don’t want to have sex for months, even despite strong feelings for your partner. Sex is a physiological need of the body, so in order not to destroy relationships due to lack of intimacy, it is worth having an honest conversation with yourself.
Quite often, women come to therapy with the problem of a lack of pleasure during sex or even do not want to have intimacy with their partner at all.
Many clients admit that they cannot accept their sexuality and open up to a man
As a rule, this happens due to the fact that during sexual intercourse a woman experiences feelings of shame, guilt or fear. And it is with those emotions that appear during sex that you need to work.
To learn how to express your sexual energy and enjoy intimacy with your partner, examine yourself by asking the following questions:
- How do you treat yourself, your body? Do you love yourself or do you always feel that you are not slim enough, beautiful, feminine enough?
- Do you think of yourself first and then of others? Or is it the other way around in your life?
- Are you afraid of upsetting your partner and being rejected?
- Can you relax?
- Do you even know what you love about sex and what doesn’t suit you?
- Can you talk about your desires to your partner?
All our knowledge about the outside world was once learned by us and adopted from other people. Conduct an objective review of your knowledge of intimate relationships and pleasure — now write down everything you know about sex:
- What did your grandmothers, mom, dad say about sex?
- How did this theme sound in your family and in your environment? For example, sex is painful, dirty, dangerous, shameful.
After analyzing these points, you can begin to change your attitude towards sex. Only what we are aware of, we can correct in our lives. Books, lectures, courses, work with a psychotherapist, sexologist, coach, and various practices can help with this. Anything that resonates with you will come in handy.