A loved one is often offended: how to find a common language

“Write grievances in the sand, carve good deeds in marble,” said the French poet Pierre Boiste. But is it really that easy to follow? How we feel about resentment depends on our view of the world, on self-esteem, the presence of complexes and false expectations, as well as on relationships with others.

We cannot completely eliminate resentment from our lives, they are part of our rich set of emotions. But you can realize them, work through them and use them as a “magic kick” for knowing and developing yourself.

Offending and offending, we learn to see, build and defend the boundaries of what is permitted. So we begin to realize what is acceptable in the behavior of others towards us, and what is unacceptable.

Who has what «hurts»

Resentment acts as a kind of beacon: it shows where exactly a person “hurts”, highlights his fears, attitudes, expectations, complexes. We get a lot of information about ourselves and about others when we notice who reacts sharply to what, who is offended by what.

Feeling is not constructive, but diagnostic. In society, a ban on strong “bad” emotions is relevant, and their demonstration through resentment is not welcome — remember the proverb about the offended and water. Therefore, the attitude towards the offended also becomes negative.

Resentment can make us angry. And she, in turn, gives energy to defend her borders and seek justice. However, it is important that we do it in an environmentally friendly way, control the manifestations of resentment — if emotions take over, this feeling will overwhelm us completely, and the situation will get out of control.

What can you do if you often resent others

• Deal with unrealistic expectations. We often expect others to do what is convenient for us. Often all these desires exist only in our head: we do not share them, we do not label them as something important. And therefore our communication with others turns into a «guessing game». For example, a girl expects a man to always show up on a date with a bouquet, but takes it for granted and doesn’t talk about it. One fine day he comes without flowers, her expectations are not justified — resentment arises.
• You need to learn to speak openly about things that are important to you, to negotiate with a partner, friends, relatives. The more omissions, the more reasons to be offended.
• Try to realize what kind of need is covered by resentment at the moment, because often some unfulfilled need “hides” behind it. For example, an elderly mother is offended by her daughter that she rarely calls. But behind this resentment lies the need for social contacts, which mom lacks due to retirement. You can fill this need in other ways: help mom find activities and new acquaintances in the changed environment. And, probably, resentment against the daughter will disappear.

What can you do if a loved one is often offended by you?

• To begin with, calmly, openly, without heat of passion, try to describe what you feel and see in this situation. It is better to use “I-statements”, that is, to speak on your own behalf, without accusations, evaluating a partner and labeling. Talk about your feelings, not his. For example, instead of: “You are constantly withdrawing into yourself as much as possible …” — you can say: “I get angry when I have to draw words out of you”, “I feel bad when I wait so long every time you start talking to me again … «.
• Think: what does his offense mean to you? Why are you reacting to her like that? What gives you such a reaction to grievances? After all, we do not just emotionally respond to certain behavior, the words of others, while diligently not noticing the rest.
• If the situation with resentment is repeated constantly, find out what need the person is trying to satisfy in this way. Often people lack attention, recognition, social interaction. If the partner has the opportunity to close these needs in other ways, resentment will not be relevant. Try to figure out together how to achieve this.
• Accept that you and the person have different degrees of sensitivity to hurtful situations. What seems normal to you may be outrageous to someone else. Each of us has our own ideas about the boundaries of what is permitted and moral principles. Perhaps you know about some painful topics for this person that you should not touch on in front of him.
• Talk and talk again. Find out how he sees the situation — you may have missed something. In any case, your views and perceptions cannot coincide 100%.

As a rule, if you wish, you can find an opportunity to talk openly, but at the same time not hurt the feelings of the person and explain that you look at what happened differently. Clarifying the situation is not necessarily an apology and an admission of guilt. It’s about discussion, open interaction, about trust and finding a solution that satisfies both.