Of course, parents show such care and love, we admit, it would be nice to listen to them. But every time when peremptory maternal orders sound, I want to do the opposite. Truth?
Our expert is Tatiana Pavlova, PhD in Psychology, a practicing psychologist.
“Put on your hat. Wash the dishes right away. Sit down to eat, etc. ” It would seem that such a touching concern should only please. But for some reason I want to mumble something like “yes, I myself know that” to any of my mother’s commands, as in childhood. After all, we have become adults a long time ago and are raising children ourselves. Why can’t we stand being ruled? Because any directives seem to belittle us, our ability to make decisions, make choices, etc.
“I would have your problems.” Downplaying the importance of a problem is traumatic enough for a person because it devalues his feelings. At any age, emotional problems can be serious and can be very disturbing and disturbing. And the point is not in the context of the problem, but in its subjective experience. For example, one person will not be affected by a negative assessment of his appearance, and the other will be made to worry for a long time.
“Have you eaten? Did you forget to take a pill? When you go out into the street, be careful! “ Simple and necessary questions are very useful for absent-minded or inattentive “children”. But in fact, if parents want to raise an independent disciplined person, then you need to trust him more and teach him to be organized from childhood. In addition, disturbing questions are scary, subconsciously we ourselves become infected with this anxiety, and we become uncomfortable, uncomfortable.
“If you turn 18, then …” (you will manage your time; you will do what you want, etc.) This quote is addressed to the son or daughter of adolescence, a period in principle of crisis and requiring accuracy in the words and actions of adults. At this time, the child goes through the stage of self-awareness in an adult society, feels not a child, but an adult, ready to make decisions. Parents again remind of the young age of their offspring. A teenager can regard these words as self-distrust, they say, until the age of 18 is not yet a person, inferior. And the phrase gives rise to a powerful internal protest.
“Wait, it’s not up to you now.” At about the age of 7, the child begins another psychological crisis, the main goal of which is the formation of a social “I”. This period usually coincides with the beginning of school. In kindergarten, the kid lived and communicated according to the same rules, but suddenly something changed, and they demanded a completely different behavior from him. What until recently touched adults is now causing discontent: you cannot behave like that, you cannot talk like that, etc. A child can sort out such a confusion only if he takes an example from his parents, and he does not leave them for a minute, he listens attentively, trying to communicate as equals. Against this background, the phrase “Wait, now is not up to you” can severely hurt a son or daughter, push away, strengthen the feeling of one’s own insignificance and loneliness. It is very important from early childhood to show the child its importance, to pay attention.
“They didn’t ask you. We’ll figure it out without you. “ Another common phrase that shows that in the family the child is not considered as a person, his opinion does not mean anything. It hits self-esteem and self-worth. Then the child grows up, but the complexes remain.
“I quickly went to do my homework.” Parents force unwilling students to do their homework. The wording is non-pedagogical, any teacher would say. But in families with lazy offspring, indifferent to knowledge, it sounds often. But the addition of the word “quickly” to any directive gives rise to excitement, vanity, tension and inner protest in the soul – you want to do everything the other way around. So more patience with parents and gentleness in words – and the result will be greater.
“Do not go where you are not asked.” This phrase can strike at your own importance, cause anxiety and resentment in an insecure person. By the way, such words can be heard not only in the family between parents and children, but also in the circle of friends, in the work collective. In addition to rudeness, there is nothing in this remark, get rid of the phrase, even if you are used to hearing it from childhood.
“Don’t be smart!” As a rule, a remark is perplexing, because more often we really want to help, we try to give good advice, and not demonstrate our awareness. The winners are those parents who, from childhood, see a personality in the baby and respectfully listen to his opinion.
“I have a lot of problems without you, and you …”… Words that generate fruitless guilt. The child does not understand why he is being punished by rejecting communication with him, and really feels this guilt. We understand that the phrase speaks of a nervous situation, overexertion, emotional intensity of the speaker. No matter how difficult it is, adults need to be able to restrain their emotions and not throw them out on loved ones.